C for Cousins, C for…

…CURSED!!!

Let me inhale deeply… now exhale. AHHHH. The air of freedom! Today is the day a cousin who was visiting and half of my family leave for Lahore. I can’t be more thankful. Aware as i am of sounding ungracious, this was the worst cousin-visit EVER. Tis a family trait i think. These are three siblings and they’ve been irritating the hell out of me since times immemorial.

Consider:

Eldest Sibling:

Gender: Male,

IQ Level: Dubious…existence of ANY IQ not proved,

Age: Unfortunately two years older than me, meaning i wasn’t very good at hitting him when we were young. Not that i didn’t try, but whatever.

Situation: Specs (aged 11) and C1(Cousin 1, not #1!) are playing a game. C1 hits S too hard and gets a reprimand in the sharpest language possible. Specs, unbeknownst to her, has hit too hard in a spot she never knew existed… C1, aged 13, gets up from the play area and announces, “God you’re such a chilli pepper. If you keep on going like this, i won’t marry you.” S, being the person that she is, stares at him for three seconds and then bursts into peals of laughter complete with rolling on the floor and punching the air with legs… C1, all offended manhood, leaves the room in a huff.

{ Before explaining the sisters, a point that plays a pivotal role in their behavior: I, being of Punjabi descent am unfortunately very light skinned. Now, there’s a REASON Punjabis are not light skinned. I mean, if i was to be fair and pretty, God could have made me Pathan, or a Kashmiri but no. I have to be this anomaly with the result that my skin cannot come to terms with itself. The curse of most light skinned Punjabis… ACNE! It takes a long long time to control and one wrong thing eaten or one day without cleansing and there goes a year’s hard work down the drain. Not only does my skin mark easily, every pimple has to be red as a traffic signal and visible from the Margalla Mountains. Now onto the sisters who think i am some reincarnation of a former Miss World}

Middle Sibling:

Gender: Female,

IQ Level: Is known to have a good level until she sees Specs. That makes her circuits go haywire.

Age: 4 months younger than Specs.

Situation/s:

Sees Specs and tells her:” I wish i could have acne like you.” Worst part? She MEANS it. You can see the googly eyes she’s making.

C2 sees Specs buying something and just has to have the very same thing. Right there, right then.

Specs asks C2 for her Email address and guess what. It has my real first name and her surname. Not only that, I accidentally found out that she uses my REAL name and my REAL details to chat with random strangers… and her telephonic ‘boyfriend.’ She’s that obsessed with assuming my identity. So much for internet safety. One day i shall meet a guy in the street who knows me inside out and then my father will kill me. You can see me plastered on Page 2 of the newspaper under the heading ‘Honor Killing: girl proved without doubt to have twenty internet liaisons.’

Nowadays I’m just sensitive she doesn’t get her hands on my picture, or it is going to be up on Orkut… or some dating site.

Youngest Sibling:

Gender: Female,

IQ Level: Same as her sister,

Age: 16

This is the one that was visiting us nowadays. I thought she was pretty okay… till this visit. First thing off the bat she asks me, “Baji what do you put on your arms?” I was all… huh? She thinks they look really nice (arms can look nice?) and wants to use whatever i use. Er… i don’t use anything, i tell her, or i would have done something about my face.

The next day she wants to know if i can help her put on her Kajal in the way i do (yep, i was unaware there are ways to put on your kajal. I thought it only goes into your eyes) Stupid me, i should have seen the signs then. I give her a new Kajal since hers is almost dried out. This comes in later…

Next day she wants to sleep with me ( i have a double bed). Er… okay. Even though i got kicked and punched, i did not complain. In Pakistan, that can cause a family rift. Never complain about your guests.

I find her staring at me. After ignoring her for HALF AN HOUR (!!) i ask her jokingly if she’s trying to drill a hole in my forehead. “No,” she says dreamily, “i was just wondering, when God made you, he must’ve been free” (this is a phrase in Urdu that’s used only by (as far as i thought) besotted, love blinded lovers for their beloveds). I stare at her… and struggling to stop any sign of anger from appearing, i walk out of the room on some excuse.

Next, she takes to blowing kisses at me every time she catches my eye and saying ‘Baji!’… *insert wave here*

Next up, we go to Bhurban. Now, some days before, we had to go somewhere and she asks me to loan her a pair of shoes. Now, not only am i the first one to catch a skin disease, i have been specifically told by the doctor after she cured my last case of foot warts that i am NOT to share shoes because i end up catching any foot disease the other person might only be carrying. I tell this to C3 and she starts weeping(!!) about how she doesn’t have any closed shoes and no one else’s shoes fit her. Now that’s a total lie because my mum and i have the same size. My mum gave her the option from three of her shoes but nope. Only MINE WILL fit her.

Now, here’s the deal. Not only am i a potential culturing place for germs of every race and creed, i am also flat footed. I cannot wear flat shoes so i wear something like this. This also means that this is all i wear so i have these shoes in all colors and really smart ones at that. The one this C3 chose cost me a whopping sum of money that i paid from my own scholarship money. Plus they were beige suede… in bhurban!! OMG. She cried so hard when i told her to opt for the black one that NO OTHER shoe will fit her except this. Now, as you can guess, my shoes are RUINED. She used them for hiking in the mud and hid them when she got back to Islamabad. The mud has now stained the suede in places… and my sister told me C3 has been using these shoes to play football in the park every night.

Then, i see my makeup from the bathroom cabinet (yep, i keep some there) has been used. In fact, a very expensive kohl pencil has been unsealed. I was quite shocked but i didn’t say anything. My sisters don’t do this because we never ever share makeup. Lipstick, maybe once a blue moon but eye makeup, NEVER. Makes me wonder which else of my stuff she used. The icing on the cake, however, is this: I took my makeup from the cabinet and put it in a bag in my bookshelf. Yesterday, i was searching for my kajal. I asked my sister when C3 replies. Oh are you looking for this? And out comes the kohl pencil from the BAG. ” Someone’s put all your makeup in this bag here Baji.” I was so shocked that had this not been her last day here, she would’ve been given a lecture on the demerits of snooping. WHAT made her go and open the cupboard under the shelf, take out the bag, and search it?!?! OMG, the nerve. And now she was telling my sisters that they are so lucky to have me for a sister… she would give ANYTHING to make me her sister… er… right.

Not only that, she’s used my pillow! *this is the part where i start crying* I came into the bedroom to find her lying on it saying, “Wow Baji, your pillow is so soft.” I didn’t change the pillowcase for fear of offending her and hello, this morning i have the worst breakout of acne since i was thirteen.  My sister took one look at it and said “OMG, you know i wanted to tell you but i forgot… C3 uses your pillow all the time when you’re not there. I think this breakout is because of that… (tell me something i don’t know) God!”

Not only this, C3 has been heard to compliment me an how i have an excellent choice of products. She used all my bath stuff: the salts, the gel, the conditioner, and her hair feels really soft. Thanks to Baji’s excellent choice…

I think i’m not going to visit Lahore this August… one more minute of this and i’m going to slap that kid. Its ungracious of me and i’m aware of how mean this rant is, but i’ve been pushed too far. God help me.