Chronic Marriage Phobia Chronicles II

 

Here, in Pakistan, this is how things in the arranged marriage business works.

 

Meeting I: It always has to be the guy’s family who proposes. If most of them haven’t met the girl, or if someone has just put the families in touch, the guy’s family usually goes over to the girl’s house. The guy and the girl meet each other and the families.

 

Meeting II: Then, if all’s well, the girl’s family is invited over to the guy’s house. The girl doesn’t go. Its considered inappropriate. (I think its unfair. If the guy’s seen my house, I want to know how they live too!)

 

Meeting III: If both sides approve, the boy and girl get to meet again and this time around, they spend some time conversing, if they choose to do so. They don’t always. Mostly it’s a ‘liked-at-first-meeting’ kinda thing.

 

But, it’s usually the guy’s family that gets first choice… and it’s usually they who ‘choose’. The girl’s family is supposed to be ever-so-grateful that they’re gifting their son to them and they are supposed to meet up with the guy’s family’s demands of jaha’ez (dowry). Pakistani society often refers to dowry as the punishment for having a daughter.

 

In my case, the dowry is not a problem… or a question. My parents are going to give zilch, LOL. Like my father says, we paid your university fee, that’s the entire dowry we’re giving. You have a good degree and common sense. That’s the best dowry girls can have. Sure, tell that to other people!

 

That brings me to the topic of ‘choosing’. To be ‘chosen’ is a bit humiliating in its own right. Like, oh hey, I passed the test based on how I look! Ee, I dunno. It’s awful. That’s all I can say about the experience.

 

Think of it, most of our choices would be so different were we not in this ‘arranged marriage’ business. Here, the only thing that people choose each other on is ones ‘looks’.

 

Fairly speaking, when you know that is the only aspect you have a choice in; you can’t help but put in very high standards. You have no idea what your future partner’s mindset might be like. Why not at least get it to your standard in the looks department?

 

My parents say the silliest things about ‘boys’, as they call all the prospects.

 

This one is so short, Specs.

This one is too thin, Specs.

This one, nah, we just don’t like him, Specs. Blah blah.

 

Very strangely, it is I who end up defending the guys and telling my parents again and again to make Astaghfar (although I say it laughingly but I mean it); ‘this is someone’s SON you are talking about. How would you feel if they said this about your daughter?? I’m not perfect either.’ ‘Yes,’ as my mum puts it, ‘but THEY liked you.’

 

Erm, superb logic. Beat that.

 

But was I to make my own choice, I am very sure I would let most of the physical standards go. Tall? Short? Fat (okay maybe just a bit, not very much!)? Long hair? Short hair? Bald? I don’t care. That much, I can swear on. On occasion, I have been told off by my parents for having a ‘weird choice’ because they think guy X or Y would not really ‘look good’ with me but I keep on repeating, ‘Nah, I think he’s okay’ because their personalities so overcome any physical attributes… or the lack of them.

 

 

Nowadays, it’s easier and easier to get out of marriages. Muslims have started divorcing like never before. In my childhood, I had not heard of a single divorce; it was whispered of among aunties in a low voice and shown on TV as something which only happens once a blue moon. The definition of a terrible tragedy was… the dreaded D word: Divorce.

 

My point here is not to launch into a discussion on the merits and de-merits of divorce. My point is simply this: with it being an easy option for my generation, twenty somethings who are going to be ‘planning’ their family after they get to understand each other (I echo common philosophy here).. for these people, exercising prudence when choosing a marriage partner, or looking for compatibility in ideas and views is becoming more and more irrelevant.

 

Fair skinned girls and tall guys are no measure of future success. You have no idea whether you will agree on basic issues in life; what shall be shaping your decision when it comes to crucial issues. The following discussion I narrate to you actually took place. Both guys are University graduates with excellent jobs.

 

Guy 1: You know, I want someone very pretty

Guy 2: That’s not the be all and end all of marriage. You need to focus on a good character more.

Guy 1: I don’t care. As long as she’s very pretty.

Guy 2: How’s pretty going to help you if she’s rude to your family, or insults you in front of other people, or flirts with your friends?

Guy 1: Doesn’t matter. If she’s like that, I’ll divorce her. But at least I will have my initial three months of fun.

 

If you’re not saying Oh-My-GOD at this stage, maybe you need to. This is what educated Pakistani Muslim guys think like. And sadly, so do girls. This is why whenever I say, ‘not really, what the guy looks like is not very important’, people start telling me how bad that is, and how can I live with a husband I do not find attractive, etc etc. Did I SAY I want someone who is unattractive? It’s just that my criterion of attractiveness is different from most of the people around me. I have seen, up close, the devastating damage parents who cannot get their acts together can do to families. To me, a person who is faithful and a good father to my children, does not cheat or lie and someone I can trust with my eyes closed would be one who I find attractive. Thick hair? Square jaw? LOL, WHAT a foundation for a marriage! If it comes with the package, well and good. I shall be thankful if I end up with a real looker, I’m not unappreciative of good looks, but if not, really, I have different priorities. Its not something I bother myself with.

  

Strangely, and very sadly, of all my classmates and friends who have gotten married, I’ve heard something sensible from none save one of them: I think I can make a good family with this guy.

 

Its strange how no one but a minority actually have that ‘long term’ aspect in their thinking. Everyone treats marriage as only a means to having a halal, society-approved physical relationship. There’s a good reason for that: In a society where we have open access to cable and internet; and thus inappropriately dressed women and men who would give you, as a friend puts it, ‘thoughts’ , there’s no place for youth to… lets put it this way… spend their energies on. ‘Boy friend’ and ‘girl friend’ are words thrown about without much thought. 10 years ago, a boy friend was someone girls talked to on the phone, and maybe, if they were daring, went out with for ice-cream or soda. Now, a boyfriend is something much different. It’s close to the western definition now. That obsession with the opposite gender and the societal pressure of having a partner who is a great looker would be enough to explain away this strange obsession with ‘looks’. Sometimes, parents who approach my parents have but one ‘demand’:

 

 My son wants a girl with long hair.

 

My mother: Well, she wears a hijab too so are you sure your son would be okay with that?

 

Weird aunty: Nahin, my son doesn’t really care. The girl can be religious or not; really that’s no problem. But she’s got to have long hair.

 

Umm… okaaaay.

 

 

I once ran into a weird aunty at some religious lecture who got it in her mind that yes, her son and I would be a very good idea so, a few weeks later, she finds some common connections and is sitting at our place.

 

‘Well,’ she begins, ‘actually my son doesn’t like girls who wear hijabs. He wants a modern girl.’

 

 This word forever irks me (because I don’t think girls who wear denim jackets and red heels to interviews are modern but that’s how Pakistani society describes modern) but… coming back to the topic, I look at her, uncomprehending. I mean, erm, if your son has a problem with girls who cover their head, find him one who doesn’t. I mean, what’s the issue?

 

 ‘So,’ she continues, ‘will you please meet him with your hair open? After the wedding, we can tell him that you wear the hijab and then, I will support you and he will fall in line, don’t worry.’

 

I am actually getting angry just thinking about that episode so let me take a deep breath here

 

*deep breath*

 

Can you imagine? The hypocrisy? The lie? Does this lady, who thinks of herself as so religious know of this Hadith?

“Lying is improper whether in earnest or in jest. (All lying is unacceptable) even if any one of you promises his child something and does not fulfill his promise.

(Related by Al-Bukahri in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad and Abu Dawood)

Is there another bad word that will not aptly describe what this aunty was out to do? THAT is how our parents think. And that is how they weigh our choices. Our likes, dislikes, preferences mean nothing to them if they’re out-of-sync with their own desires. 

 

 

 

 

‘Refugee’ made a very though provoking comment on my previous post. He said:

He said we were making a wrong choice, he said go ahead and get marry now because you want your wife to see all the hard ships you have gone through all these years. If you marry once you have every thing, she would never understand that what hard ships did you go through and she would always think that life was almost smooth for you and would take your accomplishments for granted… we … all had to really struggle to achieve some thing in life. And you know there are certain feelings and hardships that can’t be describe in words…. past those seem distant memories but those were some tough days. I wish if I had married earlier then my wife would have known all the troubles I had to go through. Coming to US with borrowed lil money which was supposed to be returned ASAP and survive with nothing but hope and hard work. Those were some days but it made us stronger. So if you marry some guy then please don’t take him or his accomplishments for granted. We might never share those hardships with our wives but it does not mean that scars are not there. 

 

 

There, as you can see, is another reason I am against the whole prospect of arranged marriages. You have no idea what shaped your partner; or what scars they carry. Roller coaster ride as Yousuf puts it in the comments section? I disagree. Its a committment. Not only a joy ride. There are responsiblities that come with this union, which is a fact most people tend to forget. 

 

 

Although I know I cannot speak for guys, but it would be unfair to leave out what I do know: that their monetary income seems to be the only ‘swing’ factor for girl’s parents when choosing one guy over the other.  See, guys, the problem is: our parents try to be too mathematical about the match. Some things are best left to fate. If the guy is a hard worker and intelligent enough, he’s going to chart his way out himself and give your daughter a good standard, even if he doesn’t have that right now.

 

 

The mind, it is said, is an excellent servant but a terrible master. It takes the happenings around you and colors them with meaning; that, in turn, translates them into ‘experiences’. Our parents are basing their choices on their experiences. But, to me, they are becoming victims of their too-rational thinking. They think they can chart out our lives for us; that is why they believe they are making the best decision when they tell me to consider that 30 year old with an ivy league degree instead of the 26 year old with a ‘just-good’ degree. Life is so variable; you cannot control a lot of things. I wish they’d stop letting their mind being their master and let us have our say.

 

 

There’s no real guideline on how to choose or what standards to use. Every arranged match is a shot in the dark. Its only your luck whether you end up with a gem… or a worthless stone.

Haleem advised me once to make a list of my priorities and match prospects against them to see if they make the grade. Man, with me, I am a walking disaster, ha ha. If I make a list, this is what I fear will happen… 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as the fact that most people misinterpreted my concerns for a man who is not very unhelpful to translate as ‘one who is domesticated’, that I will answer in another post, InshaAllah.