7 OVER RATED THINGS

Mariyas tagged me to write about what, IMSO (that’s ‘In My Specy Opinion’ for the uninitiated) are the top 7 over rated things.

1) The Wedding

Old biddies treat weddings like the first day of school. Don’t get the connection? Well, see… a mom tells her kid about how fantastic the first day of school is going to be and they’ll get new uniforms and new books and a nice packed lunch, any kid with an ounce of sense would run screaming in the other direction because they would realize the first day of school isn’t where its going to end; they’re looking at 16 years of waking up early and turning in homework…

Sorry, I went off track. Where was I? Oh  yeah. Weddings. Old biddies really expect a 23-year-old to be excited about an arranged marriage because hey, there will be a weddinnnnnggg! Yay! Er, whatever.

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[the dragon has eaten Lord Farquaad and spits out his crown]
Donkey: Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

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2. Not Working Hard ‘You just need to know how to work a crowd. Working hard doesn’t have a lot to do with success.’ What crap. Don’t ever believe that. Life doesn’t hand anyone anything on a plate. You have to be at work on time and be there every single day to get that paycheck. Just because everyone does it doesn’t mean life is easy for anyone.

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[Donkey thinks he's dying]
The Donkey: Oh man. I can’t feel my toes.
[Looks down and yelps]
The Donkey: I don’t have any toes.
[Sits down]
The Donkey: I think I need a hug.

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3. Blogging It seems to be everywhere these days, specially in Pakistan. Everyone who can hit  ’publish’  figure they’re a writer. Not to be mean but when I meet someone at a wedding who goes on and on and on… and on… wait, she’s still going on… and on about how she writes on the internet and is some sort of celebrity there and then you go and check her blog to find 15 posts in the year and a grand total of, wait for it, 3… yes, that’s THREE comments in all. Jesus, seriously. Celebrity isn’t that easy in the cyber world either. What are people thinking, I don’t know. But suddenly its cool to blog and everyone’s blahging. And showing off about it.

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Princess Fiona: What kind of a knight are you?
Shrek: One of a kind.

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4. Advice Most people give crap advice. And now that a marriage is looming up in the next year, I get it by the tonnes. Literally TONNES. I am sitting at a table at some random wedding and as soon as people get to know I’m headed full tilt for a wedding somewhere nearby, people I don’t know from Adam start giving me precious pearls of wisdom. Sometimes one needs friends who would give you advice to sort some stuff out in your head but all the time from people who don’t know anything about you or the problems you’re likely to be facing being you… well, thanks but no thanks.

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[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad: What’s that? It’s hideous.
Shrek: Well, that’s not very nice.
[looks at Donkey]
Shrek: It’s just a donkey.

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5. Clothes you design yourself Seriously. Who cares. What are designers for? Spending ten days designing an outfit that cost you $100 and then giving me the condescending look because I got mine from a ready-to-wear line for $250… not cool. I saved myself ten days of headache and calloused feet running about the market.

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[Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky]
The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek: That’s the moon.
The Donkey: Oh, okay.

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6. Watching a game Seriously, either get off your couch and play it or don’t watch it. What’s with the watching a game, I don’t get. And then they lose arguments with me about what’s on-side and go off in a huff.

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The Donkey: C’mon, princess, you’re not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you’re only like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24/7.

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7. Being White No, seriously, do you even want me to go there?

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[Dragon, having a crush on Donkey, is cuddling him]
Donkey: [desperately talking] I don’t want to rush into a… physical relationship… I’m not that emotionally ready for a… uh… commitment of this… uh… magnitude! Really, that’s the word I’m looking for, magnitude… Huh! Hey, that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What’re you doing? Okay, okay, okay… let’s just back up a little and take this one step at a time… I mean, we should really get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even as pen pals, you know, coz I’m on the road a lot, but I just love to get a card… Hey, hey, hey, don’t do that, that’s my *tail*, that’s my personal tail, you’re gonna tear it off! I don’t give permission to… Hey, what’re you gonna do next? Oh, no, no, no, no… no!